Discovering My ADHD AT 40: 7 things that blew my mind
Michelle Pomeroy, Owner of Diagonal House Family Therapy
In my 40th year, I never expected to discover—for the first time—that I have ADHD. My story is like so many others: a parent starts noticing something about their child, dives into research, and along the way, realizes that the very thing they’re investigating also applies to them.
For me, it started with my daughter’s academic struggles in elementary school. She was bright, well-behaved, and got along well with others, yet she was always behind. Parent-teacher conferences and IEP meetings focused on how to get her up to grade level, but something always felt missing.
Because of my profession as a therapist and the growing conversations around ADHD in the media, I started reading more about it—not just for my daughters, but also to better support my clients. The more I learned, the more I questioned everything I thought I knew about ADHD. And then, little by little, I began to see myself in the diagnosis.
This realization was not easy. ADHD has long been misunderstood, especially in women. The diagnostic criteria were largely based on research about hyperactive little white boys who struggled to sit still and focus in school. But I didn’t fit that mold at all. I excelled in school—so much so that I was valedictorian of my high school. I did well in college and even went back for a graduate degree. I love learning, so how in the world could I have ADHD?
7 Things I Learned About ADHD That Blew My Mind
1. ADHD Is a Lifelong Condition
For years, people believed that ADHD was something kids would “grow out of.” But research now shows that for most, it persists into adulthood, often in ways that look different from childhood symptoms. Instead of running around the classroom, adults with ADHD may struggle with time management, emotional regulation, and executive functioning.
2. ADHD Runs in Families
ADHD is highly genetic—just as inheritable as hair color. All three of my kids have brown hair, just like my husband and me. It turns out all three of them also have ADHD… just like me. The tricky part? When ADHD runs in the family, it’s harder to recognize because the way your brain works feels “normal” when those around you are wired similarly.
3. ADHD Is Often Misdiagnosed in Women as Anxiety or Depression
For years, I cycled through therapy, antidepressants, and endless attempts at self-improvement, always trying to find relief from my anxiety and bouts of depression. What I didn’t realize was that I was actually cycling between hyperfocus and burnout—the classic ADHD pattern. Many women with ADHD are misdiagnosed because their symptoms don’t look like the stereotypical “inattentive boy” model. Instead, they internalize their struggles, leading to anxiety, depression, and chronic exhaustion.
4. High-Functioning ADHD Is Hard to Recognize—Even for Professionals
It’s incredibly difficult to convince people (including doctors and therapists) that you have ADHD when you appear highly competent. I was so good at masking that no one saw it—not even my own doctors. I had to bring it up myself and advocate for myself. The truth is, masking is exhausting. It creates imposter syndrome because, while you’re succeeding in big ways, the smallest tasks—like opening mail, remembering appointments, or keeping track of keys—can feel completely overwhelming.
5. ADHD Is About More Than Attention and Hyperactivity
ADHD isn’t just about being distracted or impulsive. One of the biggest challenges is emotional regulation. An ADHD brain feels emotions more intensely and struggles to regulate them. When something upsetting happens, it’s harder to shift gears and get back to a grounded state. Executive dysfunction impacts not just focus but also the ability to manage emotions, stress, and overwhelm.
6. ADHD Can Be Hard on Relationships
One of the most painful and lesser-known aspects of ADHD is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)—an intense emotional reaction to perceived rejection or criticism. This can lead to chronic people-pleasing, fear of failure, and an overwhelming sense of shame when we think we’ve let someone down. For many of us, masking and overcompensating in relationships can be exhausting and unsustainable.
7. ADHD Also Comes With Superpowers
Despite its challenges, having an ADHD brain isn’t all struggle—it also comes with incredible strengths. I’ve learned that leaning into my interests has been a huge advantage. That’s why I did well in school, why I thrive as a therapist, and why I’m constantly learning and growing. Many people with ADHD are deeply empathetic, highly creative, full of big ideas, and have a great sense of humor. I see these strengths in my kids, and now, I’m learning to recognize and embrace them in myself.
Looking Forward
Discovering my ADHD later in life has been both validating and overwhelming. It’s helped me understand so much about myself—my struggles, my strengths, and the patterns I never quite made sense of before. If you’re an adult wondering if ADHD might explain your own experiences, reach out! We can help you explore, assess and find the right support.
